How Not to Write Pseudo-Academic Papers

I'm currently reading through a whole load of "academic" papers. (I use quotes because they're trying to be academic; they're not peer reviewed.)

Here are some notes for those trying to make their papers as difficult to read as possible:

• Use single line spacing. Don't use paragraphs unless you are forced to. Try to get at least 15-20 sentences into a paragraph.
• Make your abstract a single, large block of text with no paragraph breaks, ideally at least a page in length. The timbre should resemble instructions from a drill sergeant.
• When using complex formulae, write a single sentence that attempts to describe each term in the formula, one after the other; a description of the formula, if you like. All that mathematical notation makes everything a little too clear.
• Avoid diagrams at all costs. If you are forced to use diagrams, put them at a random point in the text, nowhere near the discussion point.
• Use commas, sparingly ideally at arbitrary places, in the sentence so the reader has to read each sentence, several times in order to get the sense of it.
• If making an important point upon which the whole of the rest of the paper is predicated, do it in as few words as possible, with no explanation. Avoid anything which might draw attention to it.